Feeling Not-Enough. This feeling permeates like exhaust fumes in a culture whose engine is always in pursuit. Feeling Not-Enough can be the fuel for self-improvement. It can be the fuel to move forward today yet leave a fog of dissatisfaction tomorrow.
Your true value is immeasurable. It can seem mysterious because it cannot be measured. When we confuse our self for things we can measure, our perceived value distorts at the mercy of all our hopes and fears.
What is of true, immeasurable value, is the quality of our experience. This quality is universal among conscious beings and cannot be taken or abstracted. However, if we are not aware of our own value, the mysteriousness of it can be counterfeit by external forces. If a person, product, or institution can convince you that your value is tied to them, they own you.
So how do you re-own your value?
First, you must re-own silence. Silence was once the great blanket from which the world emerged. Now it has become a wall where thoughts and doubt bounce and rebound.
Re-owning silence is a form of protestation against all the thoughts and impulses that pull you out towards action. In the silence you will find the noise that obscures your true value. You will find the voice that tries to convince you that you need something. Something that isn’t here now.
Every moment you sit in protestation against this voice, the more you re-own your silence. By listening to the thoughts, emotions, hopes and fears without acting to please them, you are offering a compassionate ear to the noise. In your silence you are saying:
“Dear self, I know my value is already here. I know you may think differently. So, I will sit patiently until you see what I see.”
Our usual sense of power and value often comes from comparing ourselves to others. When we align ourselves to an ideal, we measure ourselves to this ideal by comparison to others. This form of value relies on constant judgement.
I walk past the line at McDonalds. I feel good about myself because I see the line and know that I am going home to cook a healthy meal. Next week I find myself in the McDonald’s line. The value I feel as a healthy person is immediately lost and even contradicted.
Re-owning value is a practice of nonjudgement. Herein lies true power. The immeasurable value that comes from nonjudgement requires conceding some ground of one’s sense of self. To celebrate the unbounded value of being alive, you concede the fact that you are not more special or better than others. Instead, you rest in the truth that everyone and everything is special for no special reason other than that they exist. Existence is already mysterious and special enough. To add abstraction and separation to this is self-conceit.
Different emotions and different parts of our selves can be hard to bear. They seem dangerous or destructive. We don’t know how to tame them let alone express them.
For me anger can be like this. First, I have to recognise that anger is within and not blame the outside world for causing anger. Second, I have to accept that anger is okay and deserves to be listened to and expressed.
Next, I can listen. I hear whispers of hurt behind a wall of pride. When I tend carefully to the hurt and understand the pride, anger shows me that it is trying to protect my sense of self and my sense of value. I can celebrate the kind intention of protection and accept anger as awareness of hurt. It also shows me potential blind spots. Where latent expectations lurk. Or misconceptions of where I think my value lies.
Re-owning your value means also re-owning your negative emotions just as they are. This is essential because negative emotions are so loud and uncomfortable, that we cannot imagine that they are valuable. However, they are a part of our experience and therefore if we are to value the totality of our experience, they are also to be included.
Anger is one example. For you, another may be relevant. Like jealously or mistrust. Or frustration.
Overall, re-owning your value is a process of de-conditioning. It can be very uncomfortable and itchy because you are practicing not to scratch the itch of noise, judgement and negative emotion.
